Tomorrow begins a new year. Resolutions are flying.
New goals are arising.

I haven't made resolutions in quite some time.
But, this year will be different.

FIVE areas to focus on as 2012 rolls in.
Bringing with it a new hope.
As God has promised, every day is made new.

These new days will find us in our greatest joy.
He fills me up. He comforts my soul.

He molds me like clay.

I surrender this new year to Him.

My family.
Given to me by my greatest Love.

This might be my new favorite show. (click here) We don't watch much tv, but tonight we stumbled upon this interesting new series on OnDemand (which we get for free as compensation from Comcast).
We should be in bed right now, but we can't stop watching!!

... and there's this man. Speaking truth to me.

Daily.

Reminding me who I am despite what I feel.

Ever growing, ever loving.

He is my calm.

Supporting us.

Making difficult decisions ... choosing to protect our family.

I'm a multitude of things right now. Angry, sad, frustrated and weary.

We took our tree down today. It was dead and pitiful. Plus, we're leaving for the farm on Monday and won't be back until after Christmas ... so a dead tree left for us to take care later? No, thanks.

I know it's sad, but in true Scrooge-like fashion I was kind of relieved that Nate agreed to take it down early. It felt so cluttered and chaotic in our tiny living room.

I'm on day 11 of Power 90. I can already do pushups, jumping jacks and run lunges so much easier than when I first started. During my meeting with Ann I mentioned that I have no qualms about the holidays and the bombardment of junk foods. I'm planing on continuing my workouts at the farm and staying on this mindful path.

***********************

There are many different swirls of emotions I feel. Reservations. Fitting in, even if just my heart. Breaking myself for healing. Loving, loving, loving without fear. Defenses gone and tranquility overpowering ... It is in this softness I can rest. Diverting the attention from my own insecurity and focusing on the hurt that surrounds me. Earthy. Accepting. Gentle. Slow. Protecting my heart while handing out an invitation to come in. 

This is the key. It unlocks the chains of selfish trembling. 

Every evening the wise men move one inch closer the manger. It's a tradition that my mom started when I was a little girl. Mazie thinks it's just about the best thing ever. Well, because it is.

My dreams have been eerie lately. I wake up discombobulated and it takes me a moment to differentiate between real life and dream life. Last night I dreamt about someone that I haven't seen or spoken to in years.
Just like that. Back in my life.

Last night was our final night for our recovery group. As we went around the circle sharing observations about one another a common theme was found in comments about me: intentional.

I suppose that's true. I'm very set on change. I'm very set on authenticity. Perhaps so many years of fear and hiding spurred this passion. Or maybe it was there all along, idle until I was ready I very intentionally began to change my life 5 1/2 years ago and I'm still in the process ... and always will be.

I feel jumbled tonight. The dreams. The holidays. I'm not sure. I just can't seem to settle in.

On a lighter note ...

Christmas time. Equally as good: snow.
Many snowy mornings my mom would rush into my room with an excited announcement. I'd bounce out of bed and run to the window ... my mom fueling this wonder and appreciation for snow.

Many snowy mornings now I rush into the nursery with an excited announcement.
Full circle. As my mom did, now I do.
Oh, and you should see their tiny faces ... eyes wide, smiles so big.
I see the same wonder and appreciation.

There is a magical beauty about wintertime.
I'm simply in love with it.

Mazie's first (very tiny) snowman

She insisted that it wore a (very tiny) snow hat 

"Mom? Mom?? Come here for sec ... have I been good?"

"Let's see. I want Minnie Mouse hat, Minnie shoes,

Minnie gloves, Minnie ...."

"Oh, I've been VERY good."

Is it just me or does the elf look like a giant?

Freya and "Doodulph, the one antlered reindeer"

My heart is less heavy now.

Taking the time to sort through reality and my emotions.

I've come to expect the disappointment, but this is still not a pain I am used to.

The feelings are only magnified now.

Protecting my children. Desiring they not feel this sting. 

The preparation and anticipation. I'd hoped it would soften the blow.

Slighted and angry. Sad at the injustice.

Letting this slip away from my thoughts and releasing it from my heart. The rejection is not intentional. Behind the scenes.

Unknowingly raining on my comfort.

What is my truth? What is my truth?

My heavenly Father does not overlook me.

He does not set me behind or beneath or beside.

My homecoming is of equal importance to Him.

I will take this sadness and I will learn from it. It is a reminder. To love equally. To delight without favor.

Bigger mercy, bigger acceptance, bigger peace.

So many beautiful blessings overshadow the these times of downheartedness.

I am granted the gift to open my arms wide.

I am granted the ability to fiercely show His grace and unrelenting love to those that spoil my joy the most.

He has already shown me how.

He makes all the sadness come untrue.*

*Taken from 'The Jesus Storybook Bible', Sally Lloyd-Jones.

Sometimes I look at those blonde curls and shake my head in disbelief. Me? With a curly, blonde headed girl? Just like her dad's hair ... back in the day. These pigtails paired with my flowery hair clip, she's so cute I can barely stand it at times. Today she sang her heart out at Musikgarten ... off-key and proud. The singing doesn't always come easy though as the shyness sometimes prevails. My little protege. Sometimes loud and confident while swallowing in the entire world. Other times reserved and aloof while intently observing her surroundings. How she fits in. How she will be regarded. How safe opening up will be.

When 'Away in a Manger' began, she pretended to rock a baby as instructed and then she belted the song out with familiarity. As soon as she received attention for her efforts she quickly drew back in her shell. A faint smile. A mysterious retraction of extroverted song. She is ever-changing right in front of me.

Tonight we read through the first chapter of 'The Jesus Storybook Bible'. A beautifully written account of God. It reads like a modern love story. Mazie was enthralled and I was grateful for the simple, yet emotionally charged style. I love this book and am thinking about giving to a few people for Christmas. It's that good.

My days have been so much nicer lately. A growing confidence and a settling into myself. A few other ladies and I are in a FB group. We encourage one another to get off the ol' rear and get it moving. The leader is a longtime friend of mine whom is now a Beachbody Coach. She's on P90X2 now. It came after Power90, after Power half hour, after P90X, after P90 one-on one. SO, yeah ... she kicks it hard. Beginning my days with this renewed self-discipline is rewarding and necessary. 'Spirituality can be found in self-discipline' -R.Peugh

I sit here tonight. Christmas tree lights sparkle off the windows. Jammies and slippers cover a multitude of years and chilly toes. The dog quietly snores as the giggly, bedtime noises of my children filter into the living room. Nate will be here soon. I will read aloud the first chapter of my new book, just as I did with Mazie a few hours ago. And I will rest in the comfort of this evening after a long day of seeking Him throughout laundry, dishes, diapers and such. Throughout beautiful hearts that I can call my own.

From the moment she was born she stuck her tongue out. How I love those drools and poses of concentration. It was just her and I yesterday morning and I treasured the moments ... it wasn't that long ago that we spent our hours, awake and asleep, together.

In the recliner for weeks as my stomach healed. A blessing in retrospect. Forced to sit and enjoy. To rock and hold tight the most precious of gifts. Directly from God.

So, I watched these little feet as they were crossed. Wearing her sister's shoes that had long been tucked away for these days. Her hands pulling out and putting back in the crayons that she has longed to play with. Now she has full control of them as Mazie is gone. She delights in sitting beside me, showing me the different colors, offering me the broken, blue one. My content, little bug. How you've won my heart.

These eyes looking with wonder at her new book. A book about life and how it began. A book about grace and miracles. A book about how she will always be loved and how she need not be afraid. She has always been eager to learn. So curious and determined. She listened to me as if I were divulging great secrets. And perhaps I was.

She is a daughter of the Almighty. Wonderfully formed. He calmed the seas ... just as he will calm her heart in the darkness of bedtime. The smallest of teachings about His magnificent love. 

Today she told me she wanted to marry baby Jesus. Tonight we prayed over her room. And when her sister was crying from teething pains we prayed for her. Bedtime was peaceful tonight. No fear. No worry. She is beginning to understand, in childlike fashion, that she is never alone.

Oh, and this hand. This hand that writes papers and takes tests and works tirelessly to finish the degree that he for so long dreamed of. This hand that has spent hours drawing and writing in journals. Recording his most treasured moments.
This hand that held mine as they rolled me into the surgeries to retrieve our babies. This hand that gently pulled back hair from my eyes as he spoke, 'I do' with gusto. This hand that rubs my back as I fall asleep and is placed gently on my shoulder as I share my defeats and victories.
And now this hand is a comfort to our children. A tickle bug. A strong guide to hold onto in the parking lot. This hand is more than flesh and bone to us.