What better way to spend my days?

Dr. Suess, pretty toes ... the sweet life.

I'm feeling completely and utterly thankful that I'm able to stay home (most days) with my baby girls. We have so much fun together and I feel the blessing of responsibility to teach them about life and Christ's never-ending love. I just want so much for them. <3

This weekend was a success. The food was "ok" ... it was cold by the time we ate it, but our friends said they really liked the collard greens! More converts! We stayed up way (way way way) too late, but it was worth it as we were able to spend a lot of time with people we hadn't seen in a while.

Speaking of food, my prayer partner brought me some flourless oat bran muffins this afternoon. Yummy! I love bran muffins and these are so good without flour, sugar, etc. She told me they'll keep things moving as well. Bonus!

Speaking of teaching ... the leaders of our church gave an absolute yes to me being a leader in recovery group. They were encouraged by the work God has done in my life and didn't bat an eye when the current leaders told them of my past. I cried so hard when I found out. ... what a testimony I have been granted. To use my ugly past for good? Redemption. I have been redeemed and now I get to share it more freely with others that are hurting and seeking the truth. I go in for an official interview in a few weeks. God just keeps on opening the doors.

One of Mazie's biggest thrills is to work in her daddy's office. She sits at her play desk and does her "school work" while he studies ... he loves having her in there with him. He is so sweet to those girls.

We're having friends over for dinner tomorrow night and then we're all going to another friend's house for games and such. I'm super excited!!!

On the menu ...

Dinner:

Slow cooker (turkey) sausage and collard greens

Curry mushroom brown rice pilaf

Asian broccoli slaw (my own version)
Multigrain boule (store bought)

Dessert:

Greek yogurt with blackberries and honey

Drinks:

Apricot juice

Vanilla coconut milk

Wine

Water

I don't follow recipes so every dish is a crap shoot. Hope I can pull it off!

Yippy for the weekend!

I've come to realize that incorporating the dance party on a daily basis is overkill.

They apparently have more important business to attend to.

The thrill is gone.

So, let's talk about the BMV. Shall we? We shall!

Trip #1 - The BMV people told me that they didn't have my married name in the system (I got married in Illinois) and that I would need to bring in a marriage license proving that I have a new last name now. Fine. Ok. No problem.

Trip #2 - The BMV people told me that they didn't have my maiden name in the system either ... that I was listed under my previous married name. (It would have been helpful had they told me that on trip #1) They said I would need a copy of my divorce decree so they could connect my old married name to my maiden name to my current married name. They said the decree was the only thing I needed to bring and that the written test I just took would still be valid. Fine. Ok. No big problem.

Trip #3 - The BMV people told me that I did need to bring in all of the required documentation along with the divorce decree, not just the decree like they lied said. I just sat there and stared at the wall for a few seconds, trying to take it all in. I cleared my throat and I spoke very slowly, "So, you mean I have to come back .... again?" I was very kind and calm, but inside I was really frustrated. Not Fine. Not Ok. Kind of a problem.

In the meantime my licensed expired.

Trip #4 - (My mom drove me. It was circa 1991.) The BMV people told me that I (finally) had all of the needed documents!! I beamed so proudly. I did it. I made it through ... all of those failed visits were leading up to this triumphant moment. I heard choirs singing and a little bird came and sang on my shoulder. All was well! And then. And .... then ..... she said, "Oh, wait. I can't look at your driving record because your license has been suspended." I said, "Oh, come now. You're joking. Right? ........ Riiiight?" Nope. Not a joke. I asked her why it was suspended, but she couldn't tell me. That's correct: The department of driving was unable to tell me why my license had been suspended. I was like, "But, you're the department of driving!" 

She gave me the website to visit in order to see for myself and then I asked her, in a clear, serious voice, "Are you sure I have everything I need here in my folder? (Because I have to bring in so many docs I put it all in a folder) Can you please look again just to make sure that my next trip, trip number five, is a winner?" She went to her supervisor to have her look through my things and came back, sat down slowly and in a very calm and collected voice said, "Um, we also need your original marriage license in order to connect your maiden name to your first married name."

I just broke down crying at that point. Defeated again. A rain cloud hovered over me and I'm pretty sure I heard Taps playing in the distance. She got teary-eyed as well ... probably because I wasn't leaving. I was just sitting at her station like a blubbering mess. I told her that I didn't even know where that license was. She was very nice to me (probably scared I was going to start tearing my clothes and covering myself with ashes) and helped me figure out how I could get a copy of it. I told her that I wasn't frustrated with her personally, but that I was frustrated with the people that should have been telling me everything from the very beginning. And then I told her that I was so sad. Heh. Nutcase, I know. Really not fine or ok and now I have a big problem.

Later that day at home: I got online and found out I could get a copy of my first marriage license from the Las Vegas Circuit Court for a mere $3. That's Vegas, baby.

I also found out that my license has been suspended for six years. Yes, you read that correctly. SIX. YEARS. Apparently I didn't have insurance or at least didn't show proof of it back in 2005 (my guess is that I didn't actually have insurance bc my ex was in charge of that.) and they suspended my license shortly thereafter. I don't understand how I've able to obtain car insurance, new licenses, etc. for all of these years. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Crazy. Now I have to pay a big fine and have our insurance company send a special form to the BMV showing proof of insurance. Oh, and then make a fifth trip to the BMV, my second home.

I mean, only if someone else can drive me there ... Harhar. 

Random pics. Just for fun!

Nate and Freya playing

 Miss Mazie joined the fun

Mazie loves to draw and paint

.... and dance

Check out my monkey slippahs!

I'm so glad they made it into this shot bc I love them.

Those that know me know that I find great joy and satisfaction in a fully-stocked fridgie. I don't enjoy grocery shopping very much, but this last trip was great because Nate went with me. I mean, he generally makes everything easier for me ... and I do possess the desire to be babied at times (or often, whatever).

Notice our apple cider vinegar? I suggest anyone that is not currently consuming that on a regular basis, start. Start now.

Ooh, ooh I'm day 39 of Power 90 and have started the last phase. Hurts. Hurts so good. My parents decided that they want to (finally) go off their meds and have cut out crap foods. My mom's lost 30 pounds and my dad has lost some as well, but I don't have the exact number. I'm so proud of them. My Dad's main goal is to get off his prednisone (bad, bad, horrible drug) and my mom's is to, well, I think to just live longer. I made that up, but it sounds good.

Next post is about my BMV adventures and why I can't drive at this present time. Gotta a big X through muh name. WaaWaaaaaah.

Let's end this in a happy note

I love that smile

Love those eyelashes ... and that tongue.

(She's always sticking it out)

Lately I've been in the moments, present with my surroundings. I've weeded out so many distractions and this act has given way to intentional focus. ... to get down low and look into the faces of these little ladies ... to stop what I'm doing and and silence myself. .... to listen to Nate, truly listen. ... to slow down, minimize the to-do list and participate fully in the heartbeat of this home. 

Dance Party

(we have them frequently) 

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:21

Weekend recap:

Friday -

• The BMV. Ohhhhh, the BMV. I'm gonna save that experience for a post of its very own. The story ends with me crying ... so you'll definitely want to stay tuned.
• Double date night with the Wineys!!!!!!!! We went to our old haunt, The Downtown ... still dark, smokey and crowded? Yep. We then came back to our house to eat wings we picked up from BWW. We ate them out of the take-home boxes at the kitchen counter because that's the sort of excellent, gracious hostess I am. After dinner we walked down to Cerulean for an amazing (albeit expensive) cocktail.  And then we walked back up to our house for some games and talking. Super, great, amazing night.

Saturday -

• Slept in. 
• Went to my parents' house to get our girls and ended up hanging out there until after dinner. We watched www.fatsickandnearlydead.com. A must see.
• Saturday night Nate and I just lazed on the couch.

Sunday -

• We walked to church because the weather was so nice.
• Let's see ... I love our church and am very thankful for the non-judgemental attitudes we've encountered. I have established some very deep, very transparent relationships and these relationships have encouraged me to shed my shame and embrace my testimony with hope. The sermon was about the Bible and a key point was that the Bible is basically a love letter from God. It reminded me of the book we're reading through with Mazie (recommended by a very dear (new) friend) ... it's written in story form and brings me to tears almost every time I read a chapter.

• Right now the girls are sleeping, Nate is ordering his books for the last semester and I'm basking in the peacefulness of His blessings.

Ooh, ooh and before I forget ... check out some of the coffee stuff I got for Christmas. I bypassed the Folgers/drip pot phase and went straight for the snooty stuff. It took me 35 years to like coffee and since I lost alot of precious, coffee drinking years I have been automatically granted coffee snob rights.

source

Right now my family is watching 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead'.

It's a MUST SEE. Wow.

(Annnnnd, my favorite dr./author/health guru is in it!!)

Welp. Unfortunately, I can't post my pictures from Christmas because I shot them 'raw' and don't know how to convert them. Raw pictures are dead to me until I figure it all out. Dead, I tell you!

I walked into the living room the other day and found Nate

wearing a princess basket on his head.

These things happen sometimes around here.

Oooh, ooh. I have so many pictures and fun things to write about. I'll try to get around to that soon.
Today I put away half of the girls' toy, books and stuffed animals. I think I'll rotate the old and "new" at the beginning of each month (or so). This way they won't get bored ... and they will appreciate what they do have instead of getting buried in a fluffy mountain of Hop on Pops and Curious Georges.
I have LOVED having Nate around while he's on winter break. Now that Freya is older we are all able to play and joke around. They are so sweet and funny.
I deactivated my Facebook  ... for several reasons. One of the reasons is so I can focus on the moments while I'm in them. Knowing so much about so many people clouds my brain. And you know, if there's one thing I don't need, it's more brain cloud.

Besides, these little people are growing up way too fast.

I blink ... and they have changed.

I'm so grateful that we went to church this morning.

The prayers lifted moved me to tears.

The genuine interest we have in one another as a church body ...

God-breathed.

A few years ago I didn't have much interest in church.

I had no true desire.

Now I am surrounded by it.

What beautiful people I have found here.

All broken. All seeking Him.

All together.

Tomorrow begins a new year. Resolutions are flying.
New goals are arising.

I haven't made resolutions in quite some time.
But, this year will be different.

FIVE areas to focus on as 2012 rolls in.
Bringing with it a new hope.
As God has promised, every day is made new.

These new days will find us in our greatest joy.
He fills me up. He comforts my soul.

He molds me like clay.

I surrender this new year to Him.

My family.
Given to me by my greatest Love.

This might be my new favorite show. (click here) We don't watch much tv, but tonight we stumbled upon this interesting new series on OnDemand (which we get for free as compensation from Comcast).
We should be in bed right now, but we can't stop watching!!

... and there's this man. Speaking truth to me.

Daily.

Reminding me who I am despite what I feel.

Ever growing, ever loving.

He is my calm.

Supporting us.

Making difficult decisions ... choosing to protect our family.

I'm a multitude of things right now. Angry, sad, frustrated and weary.

We took our tree down today. It was dead and pitiful. Plus, we're leaving for the farm on Monday and won't be back until after Christmas ... so a dead tree left for us to take care later? No, thanks.

I know it's sad, but in true Scrooge-like fashion I was kind of relieved that Nate agreed to take it down early. It felt so cluttered and chaotic in our tiny living room.

I'm on day 11 of Power 90. I can already do pushups, jumping jacks and run lunges so much easier than when I first started. During my meeting with Ann I mentioned that I have no qualms about the holidays and the bombardment of junk foods. I'm planing on continuing my workouts at the farm and staying on this mindful path.

***********************

There are many different swirls of emotions I feel. Reservations. Fitting in, even if just my heart. Breaking myself for healing. Loving, loving, loving without fear. Defenses gone and tranquility overpowering ... It is in this softness I can rest. Diverting the attention from my own insecurity and focusing on the hurt that surrounds me. Earthy. Accepting. Gentle. Slow. Protecting my heart while handing out an invitation to come in. 

This is the key. It unlocks the chains of selfish trembling. 

Every evening the wise men move one inch closer the manger. It's a tradition that my mom started when I was a little girl. Mazie thinks it's just about the best thing ever. Well, because it is.

My dreams have been eerie lately. I wake up discombobulated and it takes me a moment to differentiate between real life and dream life. Last night I dreamt about someone that I haven't seen or spoken to in years.
Just like that. Back in my life.

Last night was our final night for our recovery group. As we went around the circle sharing observations about one another a common theme was found in comments about me: intentional.

I suppose that's true. I'm very set on change. I'm very set on authenticity. Perhaps so many years of fear and hiding spurred this passion. Or maybe it was there all along, idle until I was ready I very intentionally began to change my life 5 1/2 years ago and I'm still in the process ... and always will be.

I feel jumbled tonight. The dreams. The holidays. I'm not sure. I just can't seem to settle in.

On a lighter note ...

Christmas time. Equally as good: snow.
Many snowy mornings my mom would rush into my room with an excited announcement. I'd bounce out of bed and run to the window ... my mom fueling this wonder and appreciation for snow.

Many snowy mornings now I rush into the nursery with an excited announcement.
Full circle. As my mom did, now I do.
Oh, and you should see their tiny faces ... eyes wide, smiles so big.
I see the same wonder and appreciation.

There is a magical beauty about wintertime.
I'm simply in love with it.

Mazie's first (very tiny) snowman

She insisted that it wore a (very tiny) snow hat 

"Mom? Mom?? Come here for sec ... have I been good?"

"Let's see. I want Minnie Mouse hat, Minnie shoes,

Minnie gloves, Minnie ...."

"Oh, I've been VERY good."

Is it just me or does the elf look like a giant?

Freya and "Doodulph, the one antlered reindeer"

My heart is less heavy now.

Taking the time to sort through reality and my emotions.

I've come to expect the disappointment, but this is still not a pain I am used to.

The feelings are only magnified now.

Protecting my children. Desiring they not feel this sting. 

The preparation and anticipation. I'd hoped it would soften the blow.

Slighted and angry. Sad at the injustice.

Letting this slip away from my thoughts and releasing it from my heart. The rejection is not intentional. Behind the scenes.

Unknowingly raining on my comfort.

What is my truth? What is my truth?

My heavenly Father does not overlook me.

He does not set me behind or beneath or beside.

My homecoming is of equal importance to Him.

I will take this sadness and I will learn from it. It is a reminder. To love equally. To delight without favor.

Bigger mercy, bigger acceptance, bigger peace.

So many beautiful blessings overshadow the these times of downheartedness.

I am granted the gift to open my arms wide.

I am granted the ability to fiercely show His grace and unrelenting love to those that spoil my joy the most.

He has already shown me how.

He makes all the sadness come untrue.*

*Taken from 'The Jesus Storybook Bible', Sally Lloyd-Jones.

Sometimes I look at those blonde curls and shake my head in disbelief. Me? With a curly, blonde headed girl? Just like her dad's hair ... back in the day. These pigtails paired with my flowery hair clip, she's so cute I can barely stand it at times. Today she sang her heart out at Musikgarten ... off-key and proud. The singing doesn't always come easy though as the shyness sometimes prevails. My little protege. Sometimes loud and confident while swallowing in the entire world. Other times reserved and aloof while intently observing her surroundings. How she fits in. How she will be regarded. How safe opening up will be.

When 'Away in a Manger' began, she pretended to rock a baby as instructed and then she belted the song out with familiarity. As soon as she received attention for her efforts she quickly drew back in her shell. A faint smile. A mysterious retraction of extroverted song. She is ever-changing right in front of me.

Tonight we read through the first chapter of 'The Jesus Storybook Bible'. A beautifully written account of God. It reads like a modern love story. Mazie was enthralled and I was grateful for the simple, yet emotionally charged style. I love this book and am thinking about giving to a few people for Christmas. It's that good.

My days have been so much nicer lately. A growing confidence and a settling into myself. A few other ladies and I are in a FB group. We encourage one another to get off the ol' rear and get it moving. The leader is a longtime friend of mine whom is now a Beachbody Coach. She's on P90X2 now. It came after Power90, after Power half hour, after P90X, after P90 one-on one. SO, yeah ... she kicks it hard. Beginning my days with this renewed self-discipline is rewarding and necessary. 'Spirituality can be found in self-discipline' -R.Peugh

I sit here tonight. Christmas tree lights sparkle off the windows. Jammies and slippers cover a multitude of years and chilly toes. The dog quietly snores as the giggly, bedtime noises of my children filter into the living room. Nate will be here soon. I will read aloud the first chapter of my new book, just as I did with Mazie a few hours ago. And I will rest in the comfort of this evening after a long day of seeking Him throughout laundry, dishes, diapers and such. Throughout beautiful hearts that I can call my own.

From the moment she was born she stuck her tongue out. How I love those drools and poses of concentration. It was just her and I yesterday morning and I treasured the moments ... it wasn't that long ago that we spent our hours, awake and asleep, together.

In the recliner for weeks as my stomach healed. A blessing in retrospect. Forced to sit and enjoy. To rock and hold tight the most precious of gifts. Directly from God.

So, I watched these little feet as they were crossed. Wearing her sister's shoes that had long been tucked away for these days. Her hands pulling out and putting back in the crayons that she has longed to play with. Now she has full control of them as Mazie is gone. She delights in sitting beside me, showing me the different colors, offering me the broken, blue one. My content, little bug. How you've won my heart.

These eyes looking with wonder at her new book. A book about life and how it began. A book about grace and miracles. A book about how she will always be loved and how she need not be afraid. She has always been eager to learn. So curious and determined. She listened to me as if I were divulging great secrets. And perhaps I was.

She is a daughter of the Almighty. Wonderfully formed. He calmed the seas ... just as he will calm her heart in the darkness of bedtime. The smallest of teachings about His magnificent love. 

Today she told me she wanted to marry baby Jesus. Tonight we prayed over her room. And when her sister was crying from teething pains we prayed for her. Bedtime was peaceful tonight. No fear. No worry. She is beginning to understand, in childlike fashion, that she is never alone.

Oh, and this hand. This hand that writes papers and takes tests and works tirelessly to finish the degree that he for so long dreamed of. This hand that has spent hours drawing and writing in journals. Recording his most treasured moments.
This hand that held mine as they rolled me into the surgeries to retrieve our babies. This hand that gently pulled back hair from my eyes as he spoke, 'I do' with gusto. This hand that rubs my back as I fall asleep and is placed gently on my shoulder as I share my defeats and victories.
And now this hand is a comfort to our children. A tickle bug. A strong guide to hold onto in the parking lot. This hand is more than flesh and bone to us.