The Fair.

 

Nate and I saw Dark Knight Rises on Sunday .... one of the best action movies I've seen in a long time. So good. So, so good.

So long. Farewell.

Tomorrow we embark on yet another new phase of life. We're really getting the hang of this now. Just think ... in two more years we'll move again, Nate will go back to school for his doctorate and you'll be hearing this same old song and dance from me again. Betcha can't wait.

For the record (please take note. i really do want this on record), I have requested that Nate not go to school in OH, PA, IA, MI or really any state that's not Colorado or Oregon. Washington was in the running until we found out there are no schools there that have the accredidation he's looking for. Bye, WA. It was good while it lasted. Basically, if we're gonna move to a different state let's at least make it a super awesome one. We're talking my parents into coming along as well.

Anyway, so tomorrow Nate starts his new job and I'm thrilled for him. It's local, has good benefits, looks good on his resume and allows him to use his degree. I have to admit that I'm also a tad sad. I haven't been without him in 2.5 months. I don't even know why I'm questioning my capabilities to be able to parent without him present seeing as I did it for two years while he was in school. But, I've gotten used to him being around. He's nice to look at. He's fun. He's incredibly helpful. Annnnd I simply like having him here.

He'll be missed. :(

Time to put my big girl panties on (which I have now that I'm six months preg) and have a little more faith in myself. On to the next chapter. Here we go.

 

 

Birthday and the end of an era

Ok, so the word era might be a slight eggasteration when describing the past two months. Today was the last weekday of having Nate around ... he starts his new job on Monday. We talked about what our morning schedule would now look like because YES I am one of those neurotic moms that gets up before the kiddos to get ready for the day. It's just better for everyone, trust me, when I've had my "alone" time in the morning. I like to workout or lay on the floor and do a fake workout (AKA Winsor Pilates) then I water the flowers (the ones I haven't killed), take a look at the layout and menu for they day and then, and then, my favorite part .... take a bath whilst doing devotions. I know, right? I'm on a lavender/peppermint essential oil kick in my bath right now. The other day I went overboard with the peppermint and it was, um, not okay. Word to wise, back off the peppermint or you will hurt.

Ok, so enough about me. Whose blog is this anyway?

So, it was our last weekday having Nate home. Bittersweet. We're both ready to move on to this next phase but will miss being together 24/7. We're disgustingly compatible; deal with it.

While he was at the chiropractor today the girls got their "babies" ready for a nap.

My grandpa built this crib for my mom when she was a little girl. Then my mom passed it on to me and now I've passed it on to my girls. Awwwwww.

OH, I had my birthday party on Wednesday night. It was a huge rager. It was so crazy that I can only post one picture ...

`

Ok, I lied. This was as intense as it got and it was perfect. (Check out my gluten-free cake. Check it out, yo. It was delish.) Nate took the girls to B and B Works (he's so brave) to pick out some tiny lotions for me and then he got me a wireless keyboard for my iPad. Which I'm using. Right NOW.

And, lastly ... every time I'm pregnant I get something like restless leg syndrome in my back. I kid you not. What? Restless legs in my back? Yeah, it's weird and it's also horrifically uncomfortable. So, now I would like to give a shout-out to these tiny white pills that have gotten me through my pregnancies. Thank you, person that formulated this manna from heaven. I love you. Nate also loves you because he has been relieved of his husbandly duty to rub my back in the middle of the night. Thank you, Hyland's. And God bless.

On Motherhood

My prayer partner mentioned to me that I always seem so calm and that I'm never bothered or upset by my children's behavior. Oooh, my. I guess I'm a fairly calm person in terms of reactions to irritating situations, but I by no means have my act together all the time. Here is an example ... Sunday night Freya was up 9,000 times (she has a cold. yes, a cold. in july.) and by time number 7,674 I was pretty exhausted and irritated. Even though Nate and I were taking turns with her I had still reached my limit. I stomped around and declared to half-asleep Nate that, "I can't go one week. Just ONE week without somebody needing something from me in the middle of night. ONE WEEK. I can't do this!" Grumble. Boohoo .... stomp down the hall.


Here's the thing, I DO get irritated by the whining and the nighttime issues and the Mommy-can-I-have-one-more-drink shenanigans. But, I'm not a yeller (although I did raise my voice at the dog for pooping in the house. again. yesterday.) nor am I a thrower. I tend to blurt out a bunch of whoa-is-me statements. This actually comes from intense insecurity about my mothering capabilities. You know, like THE CHILDREN ARE SO WHINY TODAY SO I MUST BE FAILING IN ALL WAYS POSSIBLE AND I SHOULD JUST GO HIDE IN THE BATHROOM FOREVER AND ADMIT DEFEAT.

So, yes I get upset and irritated. Yes, I say things I shouldn't say sometimes and yes, I feel bad for myself too often. My saving grace is that I'm naturally quick to recover and intent on seeking forgiveness. I tend to blame myself when things aren't going well when I just need to accept that this is all part of the role. It is only through God's assurance to bless my efforts and to be my strength when I'm sobbing in secrecy because the girls are fighting again that I can move forward with more confidence.

I never knew that motherhood would require such an in depth look at myself. Why didn't anyone tell me?? My children watch my every move. It's so scary! I suppose it would be easier in the moment to just give in, yell, whatever, but that doesn't help accomplish our long-term goals here .... to raise kind, socially adept, responsible, honest people. If our hearts weren't so passionate about this then the day-to-day would be easier ... for a time. I have faith that the fruits of our labor will continue to be seen as they grow up and that one day we can look back and think, "YES. We are SO thankful that we put in so much effort during the crucial times."

Then I can sleep in peace again to my heart's desire.

And then I will miss the 3 a.m. snuggles. I will long for them again and I will wonder how the years flew by so quickly.

It's all about perspective.

family time

I had accidentally entitled this post damily. *snicker*

At the beginning of the week one of Nate's aunts and cousin came over and spent the night with us. I even (wow, even came out efen. Haha. I made some efen breakfast for the damily.) made what we call around here "real breakfast"! Non-real breakfast is usually oats with honey and raisins, sometimes almond butter if I'm feeling extra crazy. Woooooo. Real breakfast consists of eggs, toast, fruit, etc. Real breakfast signifies one of two things: a) we have company or b) I woke up with more gusto and happies than usual. Anyway, so we ate real breakfast and chatted around the table .... it was wonderful.

Then tonight two of Nate's aunts, his uncle and their friend came over and hung out on our porch with us for a long time. We had such a good time with them.

We really like having family come to visit us. It is becoming more of a challenge for us to visit others out of state ... with a full-time job, a part-time job, one car, a tight budget, 2.5 kids and a dog. Having fam come here is soooooo much easier. We wish it could happen more often! :( Plus, Winona Lake is so charming and relaxing.

Time for bed! If the new baby will let me sleep that is. We've got a real fighter on our hands here ... this baby throws some serious punches. It's the best feeling in the whole world. :)

The longest day in history

Today was the longest day ...







ever.







Not really in a bad way. Here's the short of it .... we have been saving up for a loft bed for Mazie and some living room furniture, etc. We decided not to buy anything until Nate got a job, which he did, an awesome one. Yay, time to buy!

We left for Ikea Tuesday afternoon, shopped for hours and then went to retrieve Mazie's bed only to discover that our measurements were off and the boxes wouldn't fit in our car. We knew that our little Monkey would be SO sad and confused if we came home without a bed. We loaded up everything else that would fit and headed to our hotel. (Nate wanted to have a last, little get away with me before entering back into the work force. What can I say? He really likes me!). My Dad called and said that he would just drive his truck to Ikea on Wednesday morning and help us get the bed home. We offered to just meet him in Merrillville (halfway) in the morning and trade cars ... then drive his truck BACK to Ikea and he could head home in our car. It would save him a lot of driving time.

SO, Tuesday night we (FINALLY) got to our hotel room and then woke up early on Wed to meet my dad. We scarfed down a quick breakfast at the hotel, drove to Merrillville, traded cars with my Dad, drove back to Ikea, finished shopping, drove home. Then we unloaded the truck, drove to my parents' to get our car, drove our car home, unloaded it, put the car seats back in and then went to my parents' to get the girls. THEN we got home and put the loft together only to discover that it didn't fit the way we wanted. BAH. FINE. We rearranged a bit and got the girls in bed (Mazie is in seventh heaven in her "tall bed with a yadder").

Tomorrow we're going to buy a smaller dresser so we can move everything the way we want. The dresser that's in there is actually our landlord's and since we will eventually need to buy our own, we may as well do it now and move the landlord's into storage.




K. We're really tired. We're not even attempting to put together the rest of the furniture. No. No way.




All in all Nate and I had a FANTASTIC adventure together. It was a (tiring) blast and we laughed a lot in our sleep-deprived state. Love that man!!!!

We're both extremely grateful to my parents for babysitting, driving and letting us use their truck. They are so good to us.










***************

Having nothing to do with Ikea or Merrillville ...




and not that anyone cares, but our girls will never wear bikinis while they're living at home (with our knowledge). Or those shorty-shorts!!




Is modesty dead or what?

Chicago Children's Museum

Freya wanted to be wrapped up in her towel like this after swimming in the hotel pool.

Mazie said she looked like a hotdog and then laughed really hard

Mazie was still feeling kind of puny after her vom session at Grandma's bday party

so we all snuggled down early

Special pacifier privileges bring out the fashionista in her

Fire station safety

Mazie's fire safety book that she got for (very reluctantly) crawling through the fake smoke.

Ever try to make crawling through a net of fake smoke fun with a frightened, crying toddler? I have.

Domino play area

AKA parents get to sit down and rest area

We knew we were nearing the end when this happened

Recovered!

Signs of a successful vacation

 

VBS

They didn't have anymore shirts in her size. She looks so tiny!

Getting ready to shoot some foam darts

Crafts

The finished products

Our buttons

To not leave Freya out ....

She wanted nothing to do with wearing her ballerina skirt a little lower :)

 

bunny love

There is a little bunny in our neighborhood so we set out some carrots for it. We'll see if they're gone in the morning. Do raccoons eat carrots? Either way, the girls were so cute and excited.

The sign says, "To: Bunny, From: Mazie and Freya"

I told my OB yesterday that I really desire to just go in to the hospital and a have a baby. Arrive, surgery, baby, recover. Voila.

She is the best OB I've had thus far. I was reading through my old blog the other day and realized that every OB has been nicknamed. I've had Dr. Calmface, Dr. Swearsalot, (<--- both excellent OBs) Dr. Rudepants (AKA Dr. Mumbles) Dr. Handshake and now Dr. FavoriteDr.

OH. I have our family/home management binder all set up. I started using it yesterday ... heehee ... love it. I especially love the weekly menu planning because it makes grocery shopping so easy. Things like organization, routine, time management, etc. may sound really boring but they make life easier which in turn makes life more FUN!!!! Or maybe I have a skewed sense of what fun is?

Now I've been happy lately ...

EDIT: My appointment was such an encouragement. I'll fill in the details later bc I'm too sleepy right now, but Dr. FavoriteDr said that besides the bright spot on the baby's heart everything else looks absolutely perfect. This doesn't rule out DS, but it was SO comforting to hear that all limbs and organs are developing well. She spent a long time with me discussing concerns and options to make this c section as natural and peaceful as possible. :) Good night!

**************************

Third day without wheat and I feel GREAT!!!! Maybe it's all in my head, but I'll take the placebo effect if that's what it is.

I started my day with a good workout and some Cat Stevens (aka Yusuf Islam). Just really can't go wrong with some early morning Peace Train by the lake.

I have an OB appointment this morning. I hope all is well. I'll update this evening.

And my word, it's sooo nice to have the windows open!!!!!!!!!

old habits die hard

I have tried just about everything to get more sleep ... the most luck I've had is with some homeopathic stuff. (when in doubt, go with homeopathy. no side effects, safe for all ages, time-tested and proven) Although I'm seeing improvement, I think I need to do more.

DUN.Dun.dun. You may remember the testing I had done last Winter that revealed my body's love-hate relationship with wheat. Since then I have cut back, but it has slowly crept back in almost full force ('merica loves wheat). One of the many side effects of a wheat sensitivity is insomnia. Pair that with pregnancy and I'm pretty much awake all night and sleepy all day. Sounds pleasant, no?

Should I just take the plunge and go wheat-free or should I keep horsin' around and continue feeling like death? See? It's a really tough decision .... don't eat wheat and feel great or eat wheat and feel like poop. Do you see my dilemma?

Yeah, me neither. It's really a no-brainer.

Bleh.

 

Here is an update from a little guy Nate and I have been praying for .... The last few lines at end really got to me this morning ... Hug your children and kiss their sweet faces - pray you are never faced with these kinds of obstacles.

Sure does put things in to perspective and makes the daily struggles of parenthood seem that much more manageable. A blessing even.

Catching up ... bullets

• I have killed five outdoor, hanging flowers so far this summer. FIVE. No more. No more hanging flowers.
  
• This is the first pregnancy in which I'm feeling Braxton Hicks ... the only pregnancy that my uterus doesn't need the practice. Oh, uterus.
• We left at 10 a.m. on Sunday morning for Nate's Grandma's 80th bday party and arrived there shortly after 2. Mazie vommed at dinner and Freya was crazy-hyper from the car ride. Nate and I barely ate or were able to talk to family and we were tucked away in the back corner without an easy escape route. It was an experience (I believe Nate described it as a "nightmare"). It meant a lot to Grandma for us to be there and that's what mattered. :)
• We had our first family vacation after Grandma's party (since we were close to Chicago anyway). It was a blast (Mazie felt like a new woman after throwing up, btw) and I highly recommend Chicago Children's Museum at Navy Pier. There is so much to do there.
• I wanted to go to a sit down restaurant with AC but nate said it would be better to just grab something fast and eat in the (sweaty, poo-smelly) food court. So we did. And I pouted. But he was right .... the girls would not have lasted long at a restaurant bc they were tuckered out.
• Since we're not big fans of pushing the limits with our children when it comes to naps, eating, etc. we decided to not even go to all of the activities at the museum. We wanted things to end on an awesomely pleasant note ... not on a whiny-exhausted-starving-miserable note. We could have easily spent 5-6 hours there, but 2.5 was the perfect amount of time.
• My parents got me an adapter for my iPad so I can upload my pics directly. (early birthday present) This means that I'll be posting more pics again soon. And the crowd goes wild.
• Mazie fell off the pool ladder at my parents' house. Thought I was going to have a heart attack. Thankfully she only ended up with bruised knees and other various scrapes. She is really playing this up, let me tell ya. She makes sure that everyone knows about it and constantly reminds me to be careful near her band aids. The drama. Must get it from Nate.
• I'm working on a family/household binder. This website has some good printables that I'm going to use. It will really help keep us organized and help me to live in the moment more. It's a good habit to get into .. so that everyone in the family knows what's happening when. Mazie is a sensitive girl and she likes routine and knowing what's going on. Her first questions in the morning are, "Can I wear my Christmas dress?" followed by, "What are we doing today?" Plus, the daily routine page will keep us on track with things like the library reading program, pseudo-homeschooling and such. Ooh, my inner nerd is giddy.

 

• We have been talking about buying a portable dishwasher for some time and I think that time is now. I'm going to put all of my birthday money towards it. Girl don't need no flowers or bling. Girls needs a dishwashahhhh.
• And can I just say .... yes, I can. it's my blog .... that I'm very thankful to be married to a man that takes money management seriously. I don't even know how we're surviving right now. I really don't. God just continues to provide for us in huge ways. I mean, we just took a family vaca! So, it was only for one day ... but still.

• So, we're really poor but really happy. Happy is where it's at.

 

Thanks

Thank you for the encouraging emails, texts, words of encouragement and hugs. Your graciousness means so much to us. We are settling into these unknowns much quicker than I thought we would and are feeling an overall sense of peace about the future.

We both understand that there is a plan. There is always a plan.

IF our baby has been given an extra chromosome I'm going to buy this shirt

There are quite of few like this out there. :)



So, we'll find out in about 18 weeks whether our baby is a boy or a girl and whether or not he/she has Down Syndrome. For now we wait ... enjoy life and give great thanks for the miracle of pregnancy, our daughters, redemption and God's promise to never forsake us. We face nothing alone.

 

Then the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? (Exodus 4:11 ESV)

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:13, 14 ESV)

Down Syndrome

My Great Grandma Mae had lots of dolls around her house that she would fix up and make clothes for then donate to local children in need. When I was a little girl I was told that I could pick out a doll from her collection ... any doll that I wanted. I chose perhaps the most hideous doll available. She had lost most of her hair and her head was littered with holes where the hair plugs once were. Adding insult to injury, the hair that did remain was short, black spikes randomly shooting out of her head in all directions.

Around this same time some family friends brought home their new baby boy from the hospital and after a visit with them I decided that my doll would be named after their baby ... Michael.

Oh, how I loved my Michael. I had no idea that she was so ugly. And to top it off I had named her after a boy. I carried Michael around with me everywhere for years and I remained blind to her obvious shortcomings. I do remember comments being made about her appearance but I wasn't phased in the slightest. She was my baby. I had picked her out and I loved her.

When I was in early elementary school my parents decided to take Michael to the doll hospital to have a wig sewn on her. It was a present to me. I remember feeling a mix of emotions ... anxiety about the change, excitement about her new hair ...

The day had arrived to get Michael back and as the doll dr. handed her to me I felt a sense of dread. They had changed her. She was now donned with a beautiful, blonde wig and I hated it. In an attempt to make her "normal" and "beautiful" I had lost her.

I didn't play much with Michael after that. It might have been because I was getting older or it might have been because Cabbage Patch Dolls took her place. But, really I think it was because she had been ruined in my eyes. I had loved Michael as she was and I loved her despite her hideousness because she was mine.

At the time my parents discussed with one another that God might bless me with a special needs child one day. A child that I would love to pieces despite his/her shortcomings. It had been made obvious to them that my love could extend beyond appearance and normalcy. I would be blind, as I had been with Michael, to the obvious "ugliness" that the world would see and I would love that baby simply because it was mine.

Some 20 years later I'm sitting here on a random Wednesday morning wondering if my parents' prediction might be coming true. Am I prepared for this? Have I grown enough in my faith to handle such heartache? Will it even feel like heartache if Nate and I accept the challenge as a gift? We're a swirl of emotions right now.

 

A few weeks ago I told Nate that something was different about this pregnancy. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was, but I mentioned that perhaps the baby had Down Syndrome. I'm not even sure where that assumption came from. A few days later I ran across a blog (http://www.kellehampton.com) that moved me to tears. I turned to Nate and blurted out, "If we have a child with Down Syndrome I think we'll be ok!"

Two days ago the nurse from my OB's office called to talk about the results of my ultrasound. She said that my cyst is shrinking (yay). She also said that they found an Echogenic Focus on the left ventricle of the baby's heart. She proceeded to tell me that it usually wasn't an indication of anything, but that they would do another scan at 30 weeks to see if it had gone away.

I told Nate what she had said and through tears lamented the possibility of having a child with heart problems. We have been following several children's stories through our cousin's ministry, http://www.gofundme.com/Operation-Matthew-2535. We have seen the fatigue on these parents' faces as they bounce back and forth between hospital and home. We have seen the children that have been sent back home to die in peace surrounded by family. We pray for them. We cry for them.

But, we don't want to be them.

After lots of research we figured out that this bright spot seen on the heart is no indication of a heart problem!!!!! It is a rather common occurrence actually ....... especially in children with Down Syndrome.

And now we wait. What will we do with this disappointment? Is it even disappointment? This is not something we would ever wish or pray for. If we were forced to choose between a child with health problems and a child with Down Syndrome we would definitely choose the latter. Do we view this is a gift then?

So, I guess this is where faith comes in. Faith that there is a purpose for these grave unknowns. Faith that He has a magnificent plan. Faith that we will have the strength to face this with a spirit of thanksgiving and peace. Faith that we were chosen, that we were specifically selected to have this honor. Without this faith we all just simply fall apart. We have absolutely no control of the outcomes, only our attitudes.

 

While we are desperately hoping that our baby doesn't have Down Syndrome, we can assure you that no matter what our baby looks like, no matter how many chromosomes he/she has, no matter how the world defines it .... we will love our baby. Love with all our hearts.

Because children are a direct gift from God. Even if it hurts.

 

Zzzzzzz

The unltrasound went well yesterday. Everything looks good and the baby has all of its limbs, which I always ask about. Limbs are important. My cyst is still there but I won't know if it's better or worse until the Dr looks at the picture. :/ 

I'm just so, so tired. I can't seem to shake this fatigue .... I've let wheat creep back in more so maybe it's the wheat? Stupid wheat. Has to be in everything and make everything more better. Except my body.

I bought some liquid chlorophyll and am taking my greens again in the hopes that they will help me not feel like my eyelids weigh 4,000 pounds.

Tomorrow I work a little and then we're off to our neice's first birthday party. I cant believe she's one already!!! I'm hoping to be able to get to bed early while we're visiting, but the chances are slim. To none.

Party on, Wayne.

Baby, side view

Midnight run

Well, we made it almost 20 weeks this time without any kind of emergency room visit. We had broken our own record!

I'm sure you can guess where this is going ... last night I had a killer headache and then my heart started racing and I felt sick. After about 3 hours I decided that I needed to get checked out in order to rule out any serious problems. It wasn't anything in particular that prompted me to go, it was the combination.

We went to the ER in Columbia City because that's where I'll be giving birth (just a preference to go to that ER, not required). After about 2 hours and lots of monitoring they determined that the baby and I were ok. They offered me a shot for the pain, but I didn't take it. I wasn't there for pain management, I was there to make sure all was well. I did buy some Tylenol on the way home though.

The conclusion is that I'm pregnant (heh) and also that I need more rest/sleep. FINE. I'll get more sleep.

FINE!

About the hospital ... the nurses were incredibly nice (which is important because we all know that nurses are the ones that actually run the hospital) and easy-going. The rooms aren't as big or cushy as the ones at the last two hospitals I delivered at, but they are new and clean. I was surprised at how small they were but I'll be recovering from surgery so let's face it, I won't be needing room for aerobics or swing dancing in there anyway.

I'm soooooo excited to meet this baby. November 1 is probably the delivery date ... 134 days to go. This pregnancy is flying by!

 

So, I was all "Waah. The room's kind of crampy"

Then I ran across these pictures

1936

 

Present day, Manila

Brings things into perspective, huh? I'm suddenly feeling very grateful.