I have gone the entire last year eating what I want (for the most part), when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full and haven't gained any weight. I still tend to limit certain foods like wheat because too much makes me feel like death but I don't FREAK OUT anymore about it. I think .... I think .... I have become a normal eater. After a decade. Me. A normal eater.
Ann left me with three "tasks":
1. Get better quality/more sleep
2. Exercise consistently, even if it's just a short walk (helps me sleep and thwarts depression)
3. Be mindful about food
I talked to Ann about my intense insecurity regarding my body and my struggle to find balance with exercise. She recommended that I go to see Brooke who specializes in the areas of body image, etc. Basically, seeing her is the next step. Right now my thoughts are consumed with negativity about my body, about my inconsistent workouts, etc. I don't want to focus so much energy on such fleeting things. I want to accept myself and learn balance in these areas. I told Ann that I feel lame when I see my friends accomplishing major physical goals like marathons, P90X, etc. I think it's AWESOME that they have accomplished these things but I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to pull it together long enough to do something like this. (Insecurity is pretty selfish, btw.) We talked about how I am still in the healing process and that I need to be more gracious with myself in the meantime. Oh, don't get me wrong .... I really like to workout. I love feeling flexible and energetic, I just keep placing these lofty goals on myself and then I FREAK OUT when I fall short. It's not as though I'm a lazy sloth. I mean, I have two small children, am pregnant and still get up early several times a week to exercise. I just need to stop freaking OUT.
I'm looking forward to meeting with Brooke and letting go of this insecurity.
Throughout this whole process Nate has been so supportive and kind. Last week I was crying because I felt very hopeless about my body ... because I've lost so much weight my skin is silly-looking and sometimes I get very discouraged by this. I told him that I see girls that are much heavier than me wearing tanktops, etc. with normal skin. He gave me a big hug and while he was holding me said, "First of all, they aren't married to me. :) Second of all, they haven't accomplished what you've accomplished!!! You have worked so hard to get here and you're still working through a lot. You are beautiful."
I am very blessed to have such an attractive, gentle man desire me. He thinks I'm cute and beautiful just as I am! I want to see what he sees. I don't want to be so focused on my own (perceived?) shortcomings.
I am surrounded by beauty
It's time to let go of my ugly thoughts.
3 comments:
Suze, wow. First of all, congratulations!! That's a huge feat you've accomplished! What a great post. Although I've never struggled with an eating disorder, your post hits home for me. I know so many girls, myself included struggle with body image. Even those of us that run, it seems it can never be enough; it sucks. You ARE a beautiful woman, & a fantiastic mother, a woman of God, super hilarious, witty, an awesome personaltiy, a great wife. I feel blessed to know you. Thank you so much for opening up your heart. Oh and by the way, a great writer. ;) Love you so much! Can't wait to see you in August!
Gorgeous photos!! And I have to tell you that I am always surprised by your confessions of insecurity because I have so much respect for you and your approach to life. You are a lovely person with a fun sense of style, and I admire you. Just so you know.
Yay! Graduations all around :)
P.S. You and Nate are perfect complements to each other.
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