I'm a work in progress. I'm a mom to two, soon to be three, awesome kids that have taught me things I didn't know I needed to learn. I'm married to a kind and handsome man that I genuinely love to be with. I like to be around interesting people and enjoy learning from others. I'm quirky, energetic, have a glass that's usually half full (of wine) and am spontaneous when it fits into my plans. My life is much slower than it once was and even though I sometimes miss the old days, I never take these new days for granted. So, I've given up alot of things in order to give more of myself to my family ... and they better appreciate it. I mean, I expect nothing in return for my selfless love.
We went to Hensler Nursery today to cut down our Christmas tree! Besides Mazie getting backed into by the horse and wagon, tripping over the tree cart and getting her finger smashed by some older kids; besides Freya crying in the field and shaking from the cold; besides all three kids melting down and crying on the way home ... it was great! Nate said we won't be driving an hour away to get a tree next year.
We had to rearrange the living room a bit in order to fit the tree in (they ALWAYS look smaller before you bring them home) and I 'bout hyperventilated. I have a difficult time adjusting to things being out of place ... I'm better than I used to be, but it still bothers me. I wish it weren't so ... Nate is good at keeping me calm and focused. Focus ... Focus ... Focus ... poor Mazie is just like me ... so sensitive to her environment.
ANYway. We sat around the tree and sang Christmas carols before bed. It was so sweet and made the temporary tree decoration chaos worth it. :)
So, Bjorn is waking up every two hours to eat at night. He's eating a full meal and going back to sleep so I know he's not just using me as a snack machine to soothe himself. He's legitimately hungry. I got some good advice from fellow mom friends and I've started incorporating some of those suggestions already. We'll see how it goes. For now .... I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired, which is to be expected with a newborn and two small children, I suppose.
Also, he is now sleeping on his tummy. I'm so paranoid about it (thanks to the Back to Sleep propoganda) that we bought a movement monitor and a mattress wrap. He sleeps sooo much better on his tummy and doesn't spit up as much. We have another spitter .... we're three for three so far!
Yesterday my friend Laura came in to town. I hadn't seen her in a few months so it was good to catch up. We ended up running errands with our moms, her daughter and Bjorn. It was kind of like high school, only with offspring.
This week is Thanksgiving (surprise! if you didn't already know) and I can't wait! On Saturday we're going to Hensler's Nursery for their Christmas Fest and to cut down our Christmas tree. YAY for holiday fun!!
Because I can never remember what we did on Friday nights anymore I'm writing it down right now ... we rented the movie 'the five year engagement' and managed to watch the entire thing without dozing off. it was pretty slow.
ALSO I slept in our bed for the first time since the csection. Reunited ... and it feeeeels so goooood. I've missed being the little spoon. Although I actually like to be the big spoon as well sometimes, technically I'm not the real big spoon because Nate is bigger than me (if you exclude hip circumference. heh). But, when I'm the little spoon I get my back rubbed as I fall asleep so .... little spoon is my default. If all of this spoon talk confuses you then click here. Now you know.
I better go to bed. Little dude will be up for seventh meal soon.
EDIT: I just found out that another dear friend lost her baby today. That's two friends in three weeks ... my heart is broken for them. I feel like a fool for having these weepy Baby Blues when I HAVE my live, perfectly healthy baby in my arms. I understand that I can only do so much to control my hormones and emotions ... I am even more committed to keeping my thoughts in check. I'm so sad for my friends.
I feel soooo much better today. I will give you a run-down of my day yesterday, in bullet points (because you know you're a bullet point lover like me. yes, you are. just admit it).
Woke up EXHAUSTED
Started bleeding again (which is normal), got fed up with this ITCHY skin rash and noticed that my incision still wasn't completely closed on the right side. Felt defeated and sad.
Spoke to Mazie in a mean-like fashion then ran to the bedroom and cried while Nate dealt with her whining (uh. not my proudest parenting moment)
Cried as Nate left for work (I might have fallen to the floor and wrapped my arms around his ankles, I can't remember)
Composed myself enough to make it through breakfast
Apologized to Mazie
Had a surprise visit from Danielle who came with gifts and flowers. She walked in the door and I started crying. Her visit was a great distraction for all of us and was the pick-me-up that I needed!! :)
Received several emails and texts throughout the day of encouragement from friends
Decided to go to MedStat to have the rash looked at
The MedStat Dr confirmed that it was an allergic reaction to the new fluffy baby smelly detergent that I bought. Easy fix
I called my OB and she said to put some new steri-strips on the incision for now. She wasn't concerned because that little area wasn't bleeding or leaking anything funky
Had dinner delivered by my awesome mentor, Sandy. She stayed and chatted for while which was another mood booster
Went shopping with my mom (and Bjorn) while Nate took care of the girls for bedtime, etc. (very thankful for a competent husband that encourages me to get out of house even though it means more work for him)
Hit up Kohls and WalMart (should've taken some ibuprofen, but I survived)
Came home and collapsed on the couch in between feeding, diapering and burping Bjorn
I was flooded with little acts of kindness all day. I found answers to my itchiness and incision issues. I had a good time shopping with my sweet mom and came home to a clean house and an incredibly handsome and supportive husband.
My children love me despite my crazy-in-the-head moments lately and the sun is shining. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and Christmas music is blaring.
I think I'm going to be ok. Breathe. Pray. Stay focused on the truth.
I took the kids on a walk. We only made it three houses down, but still ... I took the kids on a walk. IT COUNTS. I grossly underestimated Bjorn's hunger level. We came back home, I fed him and we headed out again.
We ended up having a great evening and I wasn't sad or anxious at all. Whew. I needed that.
This morning I took Bjorn for a newborn photo shoot with Jaci Fortshay. She did a free mini newborn session so she could use her new studio lights. The pictures are so cute and I'll post them when she's done editing them.
These early dusks are BRUTAL. So sad. I think this is the first time in my life that I've longed for late summer evenings. Wierd. Hormones. I'm praying that this passes before turning into full-blown post-partum depression. Been there. Done that. Once is more than enough.
The snow this morning was a happy surprise!!! I took pics of the girls but can't post them right now because I only have one free hand. DON'T WAKE THE BABY.
I got back on Facebook a few weeks ago (so far, so good) and haven't been as diligent about updating here every since. It's easier to just blurt out a sentence here and there rather than think up and construct an entire paragraph. Lazy.
I think the kids are calmer than usual now
that I have no voice. They have to be very quiet in order to hear me and
they whisper their responses. I might be on to something here. I mean, they're pretty calm kids to begin with but now this place is like a library ... shhhhh.
I'm headed out on a very slow, very short walk to the end of the sidewalk this morning. I just need some fresh air! Speaking of fresh air, several of our friends are getting together for what we're calling "A Day in the Woods" today. I've opted not to go after all. This laryngitis is dragging me down, man. Nate is going to go for a bit this afternoon with Mazie while Bjorn, Freya and I stay behind and take a nap. I'm super sad to miss out on this awesome fall-time fun, but such is life. I have cuddly things to attend to here at home anyway.
EDIT: My gal Jenny just brought me some homemade, gluten-free cookies to help soothe my pain. I think they're helping. I better eat another one just to make sure.
Last night I got a horrible case of the Baby Blues ... cried my way through the whole evening. It was almost embarrassing. I'm thankful for a husband that isn't phased by these hormonal episodes. After we got the kids in bed we sat on the couch while I cried on his shoulder and he prayed for me. I wasn't depressed (listless, unmotivated, etc.) I was just really, really sad for no specific reason. I'm feeling much better today .... BUT ...
I have laryngitis and am feeling physically worse as the day goes on. Ugh.
I'm so thankful that I'm not in horrendous pain from the c section. I'm also thankful for my mom. And for Nate. And for the countless friends that have offered to bring meals.
Tonight the girls are going to stay at my parents' so I can literally lay in the recliner until tomorrow afternoon. I hate being without them again so soon after my stay in the hospital, but I think it's best for everyone.
Bjorn had his first Dr. appointment this morning! He is almost back up to his birth weight and he passed everything with flying colors. He's such a sweet, little boy. He only gets up twice each night, eats and goes back to sleep.
We're home!! We've been home since Sunday evening and things have been running smoothly. Thankfully my mom has the week off of work and has been coming over everyday until the afternoon to help me out. Nate then takes over when he comes home from work. My recovery has been going VERY well ... I'm trying to do as little as possible so it stays that way. My ankles, which are as big as yule logs, fair much better when elevated anyway. I haven't been taking much vicodin because I haven't really needed it and because it makes me very tired and grouchy. Dr. Awesomepants gave me multiple refills ... this will come in handy with the holidays coming up ... in case we need to make some extra cash. I kid.
I woke up with a horrible head cold and I sound like Darth Vader. :( Hopefully this passes quickly.
Bjorn is a very content, little guy. He only woke up twice last night to eat (I'm hoping he wants to eat again soon because I'm hurting!!) and doesn't cry much. He passes alot of gas though, in true guy fashion ...
All in all things are great. I just can't believe we have three kids ... and to think that five years ago we were just starting out on our own together.
Apparently Bjorn is a very difficult name for people to figure out. We're changing the spelling to an alternate spelling Beorn.
We're both a little sad about it, but we don't want him to go his whole life trying to explain his name to people like Nate and I had to do yesterday. Again and again.
I guess we thought people were much smarter than they actually are.
Haha, I kid. Sort of.
I have been up since 1:15 a.m. with a sore throat. Nooooooooooooooo. Nate got up to check on me while I was in the kitchen gargling salt water and honey (with no chaser bc I'm not supposed to eat or drink anything. which reminds me, I'm so hungry.) and prayed for me. He put his hands on my neck and prayed that healing would take place.
It was such a cool moment.
I've been praying all morning ... keeping a spirit of gratitude while requesting a miraculous healing. I've also been praying for health. For me and for the baby. There are so many unknowns.
Last night I told Nate that I don't look at situations like this as "everything will be great, God's in control!!", but rather "everything is going to go according to His plan. that may mean that we experience a great loss or that everything runs perfectly, but either way we will survive and we will learn from it. and we will give thanks."
I'm not naive to the fact that many things could go horribly wrong this morning. I'm trusting that we will be made stronger no matter the outcome. I'm praying for a perfect baby. I'm praying for my safety.