Becoming a Mommy (three times)

First time:

For a good part of my life (about 10 years) I was under the assumption that I wouldn't be able to bear children (without fertility treatments). When Nate and I got married we decided to take full advantage of newlywed life (heh) with the expectation that we would need to see a specialist in about a year. About seven weeks into our marriage I noticed that I was sooooo tired and my pants were getting snug. On a whim I asked Nate to bring home a pregnancy test, not really expecting much. The next morning Nate headed out to work and I decided to take a test before going to my work. When I saw two pink lines I was in shock. I was shaking and kept saying, "Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh." I took another test at work just to make sure. :)

The rest of the day was a blur and I could barely contain myself. When Nate and I got home from work I got out the video camera and handed him the positive test. He was ecstatic and also in shock. I was so convinced that this was a fluke that I told him this pregnancy probably wouldnt last long. He took me in his arms and told me that we would just enjoy the ride and not worry about things like that.

We went out to eat at a place called The Sandwich Shoppe and the owner said, "You guys us are all smiles. You must be newlyweds." Grinning ear-to-ear we told her that we had just found out that I was pregnant. So, basically the first person we told was the Sandwich Shoppe owner. :)

This first pregnancy was a very sweet time for Nate and I ... newly married, about to become parents ... it was so scary and exhilarating at the same time. We just had no idea what we were in for.

Second time:

We decided to start trying for another baby when Mazie was about a year old. That spring Nate applied to grad school, I started training for my first 5k and we were finally going on our honeymoon (which was to include a plethora of wineries in N Carolina). We decided that this actually wasn't the time to have another baby so we began taking precautions. A few weeks later I kept waking up STARVING and noticed that, despite my diligent running, my tummy was poofier. I told Nate that I should take a test just in case but that I really hoped I wasn't pregnant.

I took the test and said, "Oh, crap." I came out of the bathroom, held up the test for Nate to see and started crying. Apparently we started trying to not get pregnant a little too late. I cried for several reasons: 1) I had been denied private insurance and had no idea how we would pay for another c-section, 2) I felt guilty for not being ecstatic about being pregnant when I knew there were women out there that would give up many things for this opportunity. I was scared and felt guilty.

We called my parents and they said they were in the exact same position when they found out they were pregnant with me (my dad in grad school, no insurance, poor, etc) and reassured us that everything would be fine. (I mean, they had me. Of course it turned out well for them. :P)

I had a change of heart quickly and fell in love with the new baby. Our vacation included me sleeping a lot and trying not to vom, but we had fun anyway (sans wine). We moved back to Indiana and Nate began a job with benefits and the rest of the pregnancy was perfect.

When Freya was born I was overwhelmed with gratefulness and loved her more than I thought possible!!

Third time:

This time around we decided to just throw caution to the wind and see what happened. I had already decided that I wasn't going to take a test right away because I usually find out that I'm pregnant so early and my pregnancies are sooo long. :) I had some suspicions that I was pregnant (keen sense of smell, hungrier, etc.) but decided to wait until Easter to take the test. (Nate was neutral on that).

Nate was due to leave for Kyrgyzstan on a Wednesday for 10 days. On Sunday night I had a thought ... "if something were to happen to Nate while overseas and I AM pregnant, he'll never know!" It made me so sad to think of that happening. On Monday I went shopping with my mom and bought a test. I was planning on taking it Tuesday morning but just couldn't wait. I took it as soon as I got back home (my mom was still there helping me put groceries away). When I saw the two lines my heart skipped a beat. We had done it AGAIN! I was going to try to keep it from my mom but there was no way she wouldn't have figured it out because I was shaking and smiling like an idiot. I showed her the test and we cried and hugged.

When Nate got home I had Mazie tell him about the new baby (the video is on here from March). I told him that my mom knew before him and he wasn't upset at all. He thought it was fun that she got to be there when I took the test. (These things become less formal the more times you go through it.)

This pregnancy has been wonderful so far. I love being pregnant. We're thankful that our OB is socially adept and doesn't weird us out. Maybe we'll have a boy? A girl is fine, too. A healthy baby is all we really care about.

I still sometimes can't believe that I'm a mommy. After all those years thinking that it wasn't possible ... There is not a day that goes by that I don't acknowledge this blessing and give a quick word of thanks for this life. Motherhood has changed me and has inspired me to be a wiser, lovelier woman. I am aware of the heartache that accompanies being childless and that has propelled me to take this responsibility even more seriously.

Today I thanked Nate for making me a mother. :) His example of how to love our children selflessly has greatly impacted me. He is the perfect balance of patience and firm consistency. Our little ones feel safe around him and I am thrilled beyond words that they have this man in their lives to show them what Christ-like love is. He is perfect for us.

(and my goodness, he's handsome)

Remember that children, marriages and flower gardens reflect the kind of care that they get.

H. Jackson Brown Jr.