My prayer partner mentioned to me that I always seem so calm and that I'm never bothered or upset by my children's behavior. Oooh, my. I guess I'm a fairly calm person in terms of reactions to irritating situations, but I by no means have my act together all the time. Here is an example ... Sunday night Freya was up 9,000 times (she has a cold. yes, a cold. in july.) and by time number 7,674 I was pretty exhausted and irritated. Even though Nate and I were taking turns with her I had still reached my limit. I stomped around and declared to half-asleep Nate that, "I can't go one week. Just ONE week without somebody needing something from me in the middle of night. ONE WEEK. I can't do this!" Grumble. Boohoo .... stomp down the hall.
Here's the thing, I DO get irritated by the whining and the nighttime issues and the Mommy-can-I-have-one-more-drink shenanigans. But, I'm not a yeller (although I did raise my voice at the dog for pooping in the house. again. yesterday.) nor am I a thrower. I tend to blurt out a bunch of whoa-is-me statements. This actually comes from intense insecurity about my mothering capabilities. You know, like THE CHILDREN ARE SO WHINY TODAY SO I MUST BE FAILING IN ALL WAYS POSSIBLE AND I SHOULD JUST GO HIDE IN THE BATHROOM FOREVER AND ADMIT DEFEAT.
So, yes I get upset and irritated. Yes, I say things I shouldn't say sometimes and yes, I feel bad for myself too often. My saving grace is that I'm naturally quick to recover and intent on seeking forgiveness. I tend to blame myself when things aren't going well when I just need to accept that this is all part of the role. It is only through God's assurance to bless my efforts and to be my strength when I'm sobbing in secrecy because the girls are fighting again that I can move forward with more confidence.
I never knew that motherhood would require such an in depth look at myself. Why didn't anyone tell me?? My children watch my every move. It's so scary! I suppose it would be easier in the moment to just give in, yell, whatever, but that doesn't help accomplish our long-term goals here .... to raise kind, socially adept, responsible, honest people. If our hearts weren't so passionate about this then the day-to-day would be easier ... for a time. I have faith that the fruits of our labor will continue to be seen as they grow up and that one day we can look back and think, "YES. We are SO thankful that we put in so much effort during the crucial times."
Then I can sleep in peace again to my heart's desire.
And then I will miss the 3 a.m. snuggles. I will long for them again and I will wonder how the years flew by so quickly.
It's all about perspective.
- I'm a work in progress. I'm a mom to two, soon to be three, awesome kids that have taught me things I didn't know I needed to learn. I'm married to a kind and handsome man that I genuinely love to be with. I like to be around interesting people and enjoy learning from others. I'm quirky, energetic, have a glass that's usually half full (of wine) and am spontaneous when it fits into my plans. My life is much slower than it once was and even though I sometimes miss the old days, I never take these new days for granted. So, I've given up alot of things in order to give more of myself to my family ... and they better appreciate it. I mean, I expect nothing in return for my selfless love.